I think it’s fucked up when you're not around. You seem to be gone longer each time you leave. You seem to think we don't notice; that we forgot how my brother and I grew up without a father. I turned to him and he had no one. I would have been so lost without him. We would huddle under the blankets at night and dream away the hurt. Once when you came back I remember hating you a little and as I grew up it made me think of you as a coward. We weren't bad kids, we weren't scary we just wanted a daddy. I got so envious when the boys at practice had their dads helping them and I wept silent tears onto my goalie pads. I saw how parents would look at me and I understand it now.

You were part of my bleeding wrists, of my scolded heart. I never wanted to be so cold, so distant. This is the parts of you in me, buried deep down to a place I can't warm. I never was 'Daddy's Little Girl" but I am some one's little girl. Every night the face may be different but my problem will always be the same until you can open your arms and finally look me in the eye and say you're sorry; I will always be a little girl striving for daddy's attention. I'll be three in a tutu for the rest of my life.

I found a boy, he was perfect. But I can't love a boy.... They all leave, you did so the must. I know its something to do with me, my doctor says its not. Can you believe that I'm 19 and still have to have myself explained to me? I'm trying to force things to make sense, that’s all. I swear one day my mind set will be right; I will actually be okay.

Boys replace the feeling of lost love of a daddy never around. Temporary rushes, periodic wanting, wishful thinking, and some sort of need. Those small amounts of time in their beds make me forget what you put me through every time you went away. Your trips got longer as I got older. Days turned to many weeks and some times months; months were the worst. We would crowd around the phone waiting for hours some times and after you hung up it was back to the same old. We grew-up so distant, at least my brother kept a bond because he was the boy; I'm just the girl wishing I had something to say that would impress you. That would make all the difference in my world. With a wishful thought in my head I will wait for tomorrow. I'll see the next boy and try to replace the love I never got from you.